Substituting, Searching and a Season of Uncertainty

     Well, it has now been a year since I learned that my job at FBC-Dalton was being eliminated; in my last post I indicated that the contract position I took with Knowledge Services as an Administrative Assistant was expected to go permanent.  Unfortunately, it ended up that a lady who had also applied for the secretary position posted through the state was eventually hired; she had retired from another state position, but decided to re-enter the workforce and was familiar with the state's payment system, which I made clear in my interview that I would be willing to learn.  The manager also said he wished he could get me onto the state payroll somehow, but they didn't have the money to hire both a clerk and a secretary like they thought.  So, after only 5 weeks, I was back to square one, filling out online applications, then waiting to hear from them.  I have been able to get back on the local schools' substitute list, which has kept me fairly busy while letting me catch up on doctor appointments, etc. and schedule interviews; I actually had 3 more this past week, and I'm back to praying that something works out soon which will allow me to fully support myself again.
     In my heart I know that God will eventually bring this season of searching for permanent full-time employment to an end in His timing, but I have grown so physically and emotionally weary from the stress and uncertainty that being ready and trusting in Him completely is really all I can do until that time comes. 

Patience, Perseverance and a New Position

     So much has happened since I last posted that I really don't know where to begin; there had been some hints leading up to the announcement two weeks before last Thanksgiving (ironically, it was also my 12th staff anniversary), but I was told that my position, along with 3 others, was being eliminated at First Baptist due to budgetary constraints at the first of the year.  It was an unwanted step, but one that was necessary for the congregation to take in an effort aimed at bringing the administrative part of the budget into better balance with our giving and ensure the long-term viability and sustainability of our church.  I'm not sure if you can ever really be prepared for such news, especially when you're single with a mortgage to meet; so, I updated my resume and started job searching/applying online the very next day.  I would have preferred to stay in Dalton, but knew I wanted to keep the broadest range of options open by looking in my hometown area of Manchester as well.  Weeks grew into months as I filled out application after application and also had a handful of interviews that didn't work out, all the while praying and crying out to God.  However, I have seen His hand throughout the whole process, whether it was a word of encouragement/support, a sermon/devotion/song that spoke to me when I needed it, the Staff Committee's willingness to let me stay on a little longer to help train the two new support staff people who replaced us, or the fact I was able to sell my condo very quickly, but which timed out perfectly to finish out our Children's Choir year (my last real commitment at the church).  So, I ended up moving back to my parents' house in Tennessee at the first of May, then just over a month later, my mom broke her ankle in two places and underwent surgery; she has been recovering quite nicely, and I am thankful that I have been here to help my dad around the house and getting my mom where she needs to go until the doctors should hopefully say she can drive again soon.
     At the same time, I narrowed my job search to here in Tennessee, and was still having no luck until this past week, when I interviewed for an Administrative Assistant position being filled through a contractor at a training facility in Murfreesboro that certifies and provides continuing education for all the water treatment plants/operators in the state of Tennessee.  They are actually looking to hire two people, but needed someone so quickly that they decided to go with the contractor to fill the first position for 2-3 months, at which point I should transition into permanent status as a state employee and they should hopefully be ready to hire someone for the second position.  This will ideally give me time to commute and save up some money during the contract period while looking for a place a little closer to Murfreesboro (depending on cost of living, etc.) and ensuring that my mom is fully back up to speed before moving back out on my own again.  In addition, I had a member of my Sunday School class ask me if I would volunteer to head up clothing donations from our church for a community-wide outreach event being held at our local fairgrounds in October, which should also probably coincide with my plans to relocate (how's that for God encouraging you to fulfill your promises!).
     The lessons God has taught me in patience, perseverance, provision, and prayer throughout this journey have been nothing short of amazing; I have been reminded that His timing is not necessarily my timing and that my trust needs to be completely in Him at all times.  It has also been a season of deep personal reflection, particularly after recently coming across a website called Forward Motion Coaching, which includes a blog, newsletter and other resources for people with NLD (Non-verbal Learning Disorder).  NLD is very common with Asperger's Syndrome, but also other genetic/spectrum conditions such as Turner's Syndrome, which I have mentioned in previous entries.  I have come to the realization that the NLD component to my having Turner's is probably at least moderate to possibly somewhat severe, evidenced by literal/black and white/all-or-nothing thinking, falling prey to faulty assumptions, sometimes misinterpreting the actions/motives/instructions of others, not always or being slow to understand the big picture/focusing too much on details, and difficulties with noticing/reading non-verbal cues, as well as working memory.  However, the Forward Motion website does offer some strategies for dealing with NLD, which I am trying to adopt; it's unfortunate that my teachers didn't identify the NLD early on in school, because I think these types of coping skills could possibly have made more of a difference then, where it wouldn't be as much of an issue as an adult.  I can accept that God created me this way, and that since I don't have a normal, full set of chromosomes, my brain just does not function like most everyone else's (neurotypical), despite having an average to above average level of intelligence (I'm not dumb; I just have a condition that can make me look as if I am, lol!).
     So, I'm striving to move on to the next chapter of my life, with a somewhat greater confidence in myself, especially as a believer; I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (one of my favorite Bible verses), counting on faith, family and friends every step of the way!

Powerful Poem

Below is a poem written by one of my TS sisters; she was able to capture in words how I quite often feel and what is so hard to describe to others about living with such a relatively rare condition...

Cancer and a Courageous Christian Co-worker

     These past few days have been particularly hard, because one of my co-workers lost her courageous battle with cancer and its aftermath at a young age.  Nikki was a fun-loving person who almost immediately captivated everyone she met with an infectious smile and servant's heart.  However, I think what impressed those of us who knew and worked with her the most was the strong and grounded faith in Christ she demonstrated, especially in facing her cancer diagnosis and treatment.  Except for the obvious outward signs of her illness (losing her hair to chemo in the beginning and later having to be on oxygen), you would never have known she was sick, because of the amazing attitude of perseverance she had, which could have only been a gift from God.  I was awestruck at the grace she displayed when there had to have been days she felt awful.
     At her funeral yesterday, a video was played that showed she and her husband discussing the journey of her cancer fight that I believe was recorded a short while back by their church as a testimony (if you'd like to watch it, the link is https://vimeo.com/129309442).  I have attended plenty of funerals, but never one where the person whose life we are remembering and celebrating pretty much preached the message themselves!  Also, the service concluded with a time of invitation/commitment, which was actually so appropriate, because Nikki truly believed the struggle with her illness was somehow meant to glorify God, especially if it touched someone who did not know Christ.  If the many messages on her Facebook page are any indication, I think she would be humbled at the sheer number of people her life/story has impacted.  I can only hope to follow the wonderful Christian example Nikki set in how she handled such challenging circumstances in her life.

Lenten Reflection

     I was recently listening to a Michael W. Smith CD in the car, when the song Never Been Unloved came up, and even though I had heard it so many times before, I was struck by how appropriate the lyrics are for the season of Lent.  It's only when we realize how (insert any of the un-prefixed words from the song here) we are, can we fully appreciate what Jesus did by dying on the cross for our sin.  I think we all have moments that we feel like we are those things (unworthy, unqualified, undesirable, etc.) to other people, too, which I believe was why the song spoke to me, especially during Lent, when we are to examine ourselves (motives, attitudes, etc.) and sharpen our focus on Christ.  Even if it feels like we don't have that many people in our lives that truly love us at times or that there's really nothing that we're ever very good at, it's so reassuring to know without a doubt that God has always loved us, because He sent Jesus to walk this life and die in a sacrifice that only He could make! Below are the lyrics, and I have also attached an .mp3:

Never Been Unloved

I have been unfaithful.  I have been unworthy.

I have been unrighteous and I have been unmerciful.

I have been unreachable.  I have been unteachable.

I have been unwilling and I've been undesirable.

And sometimes I have been unwise.

I've been undone by what I'm unsure of.

But because of You and all that You went through

I know that I have never been unloved.

I have been unbroken.  I have been unmended.

I have been uneasy and I've been unapproachable.

I've been unemotional.  I've been unexceptional.

I've been undecided and I have been unqualified.

Unaware, I have been unfair.

I've been unfit for blessings from above.

But even I can see the sacrifice You made for me

to show that I have never been unloved.

It's because of You and all that You went through

I know I have never been unloved.

The Cords that Bind Us Together

     My church is in the midst of a stewardship emphasis during which we've been asked to consider why First Baptist-Dalton is our church.  Today in his sermon, our pastor suggested that there are three main reasons someone/a family identifies with a particular church: help, hope and home, all of which I feel we have to offer.  My own experience includes a little of all three.
     First of all, I have a strong family affiliation with our church; both of my maternal grandparents' families have a history of membership dating back to the 1930's, and my parents were the last couple to be married in the old building before moving to our present location (they were supposed to be the first couple married in the current Sanctuary, but that's another story for another time!).  However, my dad's job necessitated relocating to Tennessee, and growing up United Methodist, he and Mom found/joined First United Methodist Church in Manchester, which is the church my older brother and I were born and raised in.  As mentioned in my last blog post, it was a long process for me to finally settle into a career; I needed help.  As it turns out, my mom was in Dalton checking on my grandmother, when she read about the Music Secretary position being open in her copy of the church newsletter, and called to tell me about it.  I sent in my resume the next day, and the rest I suppose is history!  I will always be grateful and pray I never take for granted that my church is also the source of my livelihood.
     Next, I have always appreciated that FBC-Dalton is very much a mission-minded congregation, and strives to be a source of God's hope in so many ways; from our Soul Food feeding program, to mission trips around the world, to our team that builds ramps for those with disabilities, we have many ways that a member can become involved with the outreach of our church.  It's just a matter of finding one (at least!) that's a good fit for you; you almost can't help but feel you've been invited to participate!
     As far as home goes, I mentioned earlier that I actually grew up United Methodist in Tennessee; however, my dad briefly left his job to come and work at my grandparents' rug plant, so we moved to Dalton (actually Leisure Lake in Cohutta) my junior year of high school, and joined/went to First UMC-Dalton while we were here, but eventually headed back to Tennessee when our house didn't sell.  Years later, when I first came to work at First Baptist, I had a decision to make about where I would attend.  I did go back and visit at FUMC a couple of Sundays early on, thinking that possibly there would be some members who might remember me from the year we lived here before, but quickly realizing that it would be somewhat awkward to join a different church from where I was working, especially in terms of feeling like I was making a complete commitment.  So, almost from the very beginning, FBC-Dalton has felt like home to me; my mom even says things have come full circle, carrying on the Edwards/Tatum family tradition!

Providence and Purpose

     Our pastor has started a sermon series on God's providence and the part it plays in our lives; last week in particular he stressed that we always need to keep in mind that God is working in our lives and the world, even if it doesn't always seem so to us in the present moment.  Also, we sometimes may never actually see the end result, or at least not for a long time.  Looking back, I sense that especially in terms of a vocation, God has allowed me to have a variety of experiences that if you put them all together, were in preparation for what He has me doing now.  Since I have always loved music from a young age, and also enjoyed the opportunities I had working with children as a teenager, I originally went to college with a degree in Music Education as a goal, thinking that possibly God was calling/leading me to combine and apply those areas of interest as a career in either a school or church setting.  As it turns out, I probably didn't really have the level of musical talent I thought I did, and in combination with the social/non-verbal difficulties posed by having Turner's Syndrome, I struggled terribly in finding a job related to my degree area right out of college.  I did substitute for some experience and added a regular classroom endorsement on my teaching license right away, but nothing ever seemed to work out despite numerous applications and interviews.  Then finally, I did have a couple of education/youth-related positions in churches, the first of which fell apart along with my ill-fated marriage.  I worked in retail, too, which I enjoyed and was also some good experience, but was not really fulfilling and would probably never provide enough income for me to support myself.  Before coming to my current job, I also held a position as a foster care Case Manager with a local Department of Children's Services office as well, which was quite rewarding, but very emotionally and physically draining, so I decided not to stay on once I was eligible to take even more children on my caseload.  Then, as it so happened, my mom was visiting/checking on my grandmother a few months later, and happened to read her copy of our church's newsletter where my current job was listed as being open.  She called me, I e-mailed my resume the next day, and I guess you could say the rest is history!  My job incorporates elements of all the various experience I had previously; it involves music, the working with children of teaching (although that part is as a volunteer), and even the record-keeping and handling money of retail from time to time.  So, even though it  may have taken longer for me to find an ideal career path than it does for some, I can definitely see God's hand in how everything prior led up to what I'm doing now.
     Today, our pastor proposed the concept that even though as Christians we often look to Christ as being out front/a leader (which we should), He is also behind us in support when we need it as well.  He used the illustration from the familiar story of the Red Sea crossing which describes the pillar of cloud moving behind the Israelites when they were faced with the sea before them and the Egyptian army behind them when there appeared to be no way out.  However, I had never really picked up on that part of the story before, which was an interesting new way to look at it.  It's quite reassuring to know as Christians that we are always surrounded in God's love and care; He has our back, front, and everywhere in-between!
    Reflecting on these ideas has also brought the lyrics of Michael W. Smith's song The Hand of Providence to mind, which I have attached an mp3 of:

Providence, Providence
See it laying down the cornerstone
The Hand of Providence - it's evident
For we could never make it on our own
Apportioning the power
Weighing all that it entails
Giving us the fulcrum
And a balance to the scales

Oh, the Hand of Providence
Is guiding us through choices that we make
Oh, the Hand of Providence
Is reaching out to help us on our way

Providence, ever since
Any thesis ever entered man
The Hand of Providence
Has been our best defense
Tho' his ways are sometimes hard to understand
From the dying of a heartbeat
To another soul reborn
From in between and circling
Our thoughts of love and war